Joe, Toren, and Kevin “check out” the caustic side of libraries, including both Melvil Dewey’s classification system and the man himself, the librarian who took over China, librarian sex habits, “for sex see librarian”, the Brave Sage of Timbuktu, plus news and pop culture. Recorded at the Vancouver Public Library’s Inspiration Lab!

Music: “Nyarlathotep” by The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets

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Will Manley’s Librarian Sex Survey Results

Question 1 – Playboy, Playgirl, Playguy

40% of the respondents felt that Playboy should be included in libraries, 23% felt that Playgirl should be included, and 6% felt that Playguy should be included.

Question 2 Video Ratings

61 % felt that libraries should label their videotapes with G, PG, Pg-13, R, NC-17, and X ratings.  39% felt that they should not give labels.

Question 3 – R Rated Videos and Minors

22% of the respondents felt that libraries should check out R rated videos to minors not accompanied by adults.

Question  4 – X Rated Videos

17% of the respondents felt that libraries should carry X rated videos.

Question 5 – Condom Dispensers

22% of the respondents felt that libraries should have condom dispensers in their bathrooms.

Question 6 – Sexual Harassment by a Supervisor

14% of the respondents indicated they had been sexually harassed by a library supervisor.

Question 7 – Sexual Harassment by a Patron

78% of the female respondents and 7 percent of the male respondents  indicated that they had been sexually harassed by a library patron.

Question 8 – Sex Without Love

20% of the respondents felt that sex without love is by definition bad sex.

Question 9 – Nuclear War and Roseanne Barr Arnold

30% of the male respondents indicated that if there were a nuclear war and Roseanne Barr Arnold was the only woman on earth to survive, they would have sex with her in order to propagate the species.

Question 10 – Nuclear War and PeeWee Herman

38% of the female respondents indicated that if there were a nuclear war and PeeWee Herman was the only man on earth to survive, they would have sex with him in order to propagate the species.

Question 11 – AIDS and God

6% of the respondents felt that AIDS is a punishment from God.

Question 12 – Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas vs. Anita Hill

82% of the respondents felt that Anita Hill told the truth in the Senate Judiciary Hearings.  {Historical Note for Net Genners:  Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment }

Question 13 – Shakespeare and “the 1st Time”

When asked to pick the Shakespearean title that best described their first sexual encounter, 28% chose Comedy of Errors;  23% chose Midsummer’s Night Dream; 22% chose Much Ado About Nothing;  21% chose All’s Well That Ends Well; and 6% chose Rape of Lucrece.

Question 14 – Genre Fiction and Sex Lives

38% of the respondents classified their sex life as a “romance”; 31% as a fantasy; 22% as a comedy, and 9% as a tragedy.

Question 15 – $$$’s for Posing Nude

51 % of the respondents would pose nude in Playboy, Playgirl, or Playguy for all the money in Fort Knox; 24% said they would do it for $1 million.

Question 16 – Age and Virginity Loss

12% lost their virginity from 12 to 15; 22% between 16 and 18; 37% between 19 and 21; 17% between 22 and 25;  5% between 26 and 30; 2% between 31 and 35; 1% between 36 and 100; 4% are virgins.

Question 17 – Marriage and Celebrities – Men

Given a list of 12 celebrities, 27 % of the males preferred to marry Kathleen Turner; 25% Jane Fonda; 14% Dolly Parton; 13% Diane Keaton, 8% Diane Sawyer; 6% Madonna; 4% Prince; 2% Elton John; and 1% split between Marla Maples,  Yoko Ono; Dianna Ross, and Tina Turner.

Question 18 – Marriage and Celebrities – Women

Given a list of 12 celebrities, 60% of the females chose Robert Redford; 18% Patrick Swayze; 7% Woody Allen; 5% Michael Jordan, 4% Martina Navratilova, 3% Cher, 2% Eddie Van Halen, and 1% was split between Prince, Dan Quayle, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Geraldo Rivera, and Michael Jackson.

Question 19 – Frequency of Sex

50% of the respondents reported having sex 1 – 2 times per week; 22% 3 – 4 times per week;  21% – 0 times a week; 6% 5 -7 times per week; and 1% have it more than 7 times per week.

Question 20 – Public Places where librarians have had sex at least once

63% in a car; 57% in a sleazy motel room; 52% sleeping bag; 43% kitchen floor; 32% hot tub; 20% library; 7% airplane; 8% elevator.

Question 21 – Number of Sexual Partners in their lifetime

30% – 2 to five partners; 22% – 1 partner; 17% – 6 to 10; 16% –  11 to 20; 7% 21 to 50; 4% more than 50; 4% – none.

Question 22 – Sex and Presidential Elections

72% of the respondents said they would not let a candidate’s sex life influence their vote in an election for President.

Question 23 – X Rated Movies

61% of the respondents had rented an x rated movie.

Question 24 – Librarians and Sex Books

91% had read The Joy of Sex; 29% had read How to Make Love to a Man; 14% had read Human Sexual Inadequacy; and 3% had read Macho Sluts.

Nyarlathotep Lyrics

Sebehy er rut ta desheret
Iw iyin s n kekw
Em seshet’w djuu senefu

Rekh-en-ef pa nisut kem
B’k n netjeri shesepu nen horef
Redi-en-ef medjat en mut

Nyarlathotep
Sefetju tehemy buyetyen
Nyarlathotep

Heruyu her nu ‘reku
I’tyu her muetem kh’sut nebut
Neb senedju h.enemnemy er kheru

Wepwety en buyetyen
Seb waten shut her niku
Neru m per khenety n idenu

(Lyrics Translation)

Crying out from the Red Land
Came a man of darkness
With evil bloody secrets

He knew the Black Pharaoh
Servant to the Faceless Sphinx God
He gave me the book of the dead

Nyarlathotep
Slaughterer bringing nigh those who are detested
Nyarlathotep

Tumult and time bent
Mutilation and death in every land
Unleashing fear, creeping downward

Messenger to those who are detested
Prepare a way for the Void and the Evil Ones
Terror in the harem of pestilences

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Showing 11 comments
  • claw

    ‘i have this Masturbating Pen…’
    and if you guys ever do any more merch, you gotta make some masturbating pens. no, not really.

  • Louie Guilbert

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the librarians in Welcome to Night Vale!!

    • Joe Fulgham

      They were in the show notes, but we had limited time in the VPL studio and when we got a good “out” we took it.

  • Derek

    That was awesome, guys! Quite possibly my favourite episode! Definitely top five. Porn, books, nerd jokes, Pratchett & Doctor Who, cross bows… What more could I ask! Great intermission song too! Will that be on the Cuastic Soda intermission songs album? 😉

    I’m gonna go and listen to that again!

    Oh, and Buffy and the Scooby Gang spent quite a lot of time in the library too, as caustic as Buffy gets. Didn’t the third season end up with a giant hole in the floor to some demon dimension with some Cthulhu-sequel tentacles coming up out of it?

    • Joe Fulgham

      “Nyarlathotep” is available on The Shadow out of Tim, available on iTunes (and elsewhere)!

      • Derek

        Thanks, I’ll go look it up.

  • Meridith

    Great Episode! It was especially interesting to me as I worked in libraries throughout High School and College. But also because the crossbow attack at the Library was at the branch that is right around the corner from my kids school. I still think about whenever I go in, which is often.

  • Derek

    The Australian action author Matthew Reilly’s first or second book called Contest was set in the NY State library. It was about a paramedic who gets picked up by aliens to represent humans in an every 1000 year, multi-species clash to the death in a confined space to find the best warrior sort of story. Rollicking is a good word for it. I quite like his stuff, but tend to run out of breath if I read too many in a row, but that one (along with Ice Station) is worth checking out.

    The Shadow Out Of Tim is currently singing its way down to my phone too. Thanks for the tip again, Joe.

    • Joe Fulgham

      See that, indie musicians? Caustic Soda exposure sells music! Send us your music!

      • Derek

        Damn straight it does! I bought that Murder Dove EP because of the intermission song too. Great little album.

  • 365moviesin366

    Guys, you need a librarian!